


and your sorrows left you there

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Non-Graphic Violence, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6193594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can I fix what I've done to my daughter or is it truly too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	and your sorrows left you there

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Corasparasol (LastVerse)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastVerse/gifts).



> **Spoilers** : Canon divergent AU from 02x16 The Miller's Daughter on, but consider everything we know of the Mills women up for grabs.
> 
>  **Warnings** : Depictions of violence, implied incest, child abuse
> 
> Okay, I'm going to come clean with something here. This was supposed to be a single fic, but it's evolved into a trilogy. This has been one of the hardest things I've ever written, but I love every single second involved in its creation, even when I was tearing out my hair and agonizing over it. The final flashback shown here was literally the hardest thing I've ever written, and I've written beloved characters dying. The final flashback is also what took me so long to get this finished. It needed to be right and it _hurt_ to write it.
> 
> The title comes from the Fleetwood Mac song, "The Second Time Around". It will influence the entire trilogy of the story. While this part only implies incest, the later two parts will delve into that a little more deeply. The name Alaric means "noble ruler", which is basically king. And the dialogue from the first full scene was found at Once Upon a Time Episode Transcripts.
> 
> Story notes: Scenes entirely in _italics_ are flashbacks.

The poets and philosophers have waxed on eternally about the afterlife and the final moments of a person's life. It's nothing more than a web of lies spun to placate the living as they deal with the crushing blow of survivor's guilt. The actual moments of death are painful, harrowing. The only thing those poets got right was that moment of clarity when your entire life flashes before your eyes, forcing you to relive all of the best and worst moments, whether you want to or not. There's no way to shut off that constant stream of memories until the end comes or your heart ceases to beat. Depending on how you die, this could take forever or be over, pardon the pun, in a heartbeat.

~*~*~

"Did you ever love me?"

The memories of our brief, but torrid affair run through my head as I stroke his face. "Why do you think I had to rip my own heart out? You were my weakness. You are the only man I ever truly loved."

Another deep breath is all I need to push those memories back behind the locked door where they've resided all these years. And then I'm on my feet, raising the dagger over my head with the intent of becoming the new Dark One, and ending my former love's reign of tyranny once and for all. It will soon be a new Storybrooke, a new _everything_ in every land I can get access to. Finally, I will be able to make Regina the queen she was born to be, living the life that I deserve. For both of us. We'll bring the rest of these peasants to their knees, begging us for mercy that we won't give. Regina will understand and properly thank me for fulfilling our destinies finally.

Before I can even begin the downward plunge of the dagger that will change our fates forever, a searing pain emanates from deep in my chest. My lungs freeze for a moment, unable to take in or expel any oxygen, but the blood rushes in my ears loudly enough to drown out all else. As if watching myself in a dream, I see the dagger fall from my useless grip, bouncing to the ground, and Rumpel looks up at me, a strange gleam in his eyes.

And then my body surges back into motion again, fueled by the sensation of weight in my chest, blood pumping fast and hard through a heart I haven't possessed internally in longer than Regina's been alive. My heart. This realization has me stumbling backwards, a smile spreading across my face as I look up to see Regina standing before me, a look of combined terror and hope on her face as she tries to mirror my expression.

"Mother…"

She is beautiful. Intellectually, I have always known that from the moment she was born. But this is different. I can see the best of both Henry and myself in this woman standing before me. Laughter bubbles up from deep in my gut at the sheer delight of seeing my daughter and feeling just how much I truly love her. That Regina's face brightens in response only makes me feel that much better. My beautiful girl! I take a step toward her before noticing Rumpel standing up as he touches his chest.

A deep ache in my chest stops my movement, and I see the wound opening in my chest. It's in the exact same spot as my former master's was. Before I can even utter a single word, pain shoots through my body and my legs give out from under me. Regina is right there to catch me, holding me close. I can feel her heart beating against my arm, fluttering frantically like a caged bird attempting to escape. The pain is unbearable, and I don't want it. I know what Rumpel's wound was like, and I know that it is somehow now my death knell. From the corner of my eye, the man I once loved looms over us, dagger in his hands.

"Mother?" Regina asks, tears replacing the joy so recently in her voice. "Mother? What's wrong?"

Flashes of memory begin to play in my mind: my life, her life; intertwined, but still so separated. It takes everything in me to keep from crying out at the pain. I won't show weakness to Rumpel, and I have no desire to frighten or traumatize my daughter any more than I already have. A couple of shallow breaths give me enough strength to open my eyes and meet her gaze openly.

"This… would've been enough. You… _You_ would've been enough."

Confession divulged, my strength drains away, and my eyes close. It's all I can do to try to stay calm in the face of fire lancing through my chest with each labored breath and each slowing beat of my heart. Those memories come on stronger, faster, blurring in sight and sound as I struggle to listen to my daughter's voice one last time.

"Mother? What's going on? Mother? Don't leave me, _please_ … What am I going to do?"

I want to comfort her, tell her that I love her, that I'm sorry for what I put her through, but every last scrap of energy is focused on trying to breathe. Even the memories are fading finally, black bleeding across my vision. It's all silence now, save the last sonorous beats of my dying heart. It seems oddly fitting that the last thing I hear is my daughter's anguish.

I'm so sorry, Regina… I only wanted the best for you.

~*~*~

A sudden cacophony surrounds me, and I'm startled enough to take in a deep breath. So much sound, so much pain; too much of everything, and I want nothing more than to slip back into that dark and silent oblivion.

"Mother?"

"Cora?"

"That's not possible."

But one voice stands out in the noise.

"Mama, please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I love you. I'll do better. I promise I'll be good."

The bald need threading through those words hurts deeper than the wound in my chest. My hand presses to the wound, willing the pain to ease. It takes a moment of feeling an oddly numb, jagged hole in my chest to realize that the ache comes from my actual heart. The realization that this pain has been growing from the moment I knew I was pregnant with her… No, that's not right. From the moment I chose to groom her to be the queen I was meant to be. The moment I chose my wishes over hers.

"What was that magic just now?"

It takes a moment to realize that the shepherd is talking. I just have no idea what he's going on about.

"R-R'gina." It hurts to get that one word out, but that doesn't matter. Swallowing painfully, I try again. "Regina?"

"Mama?"

I force my eyes to open, her face coming into fuzzy view. "So sorry."

"Shh, it's going to be okay, Mama. Don't speak." She pulls me closer, and I feel the tears falling onto my face. "I'll, um, I'll heal you."

She presses a hand over mine and closes her eyes to concentrate on the healing spell. I can feel the magic working to heal my wound, but it can only go so far. My eyes move from her look of hopeful concentration to Rumpel's calculating stare. His eyes flicker to Regina, then back to me, and a silent conversation passes between us in the space of a handful of heartbeats. It's good to know that bond is still there between us, regardless of time and circumstances.

"Step aside, Regina," he says, moving to kneel on my other side, cutting off my view of Snow and her shepherd.

"No! I'm not going to let you kill my mother again when I've just gotten her back. I'd sooner kill you and take your damned power."

"Cora, if your daughter is going to be this stubborn…"

"Regina, my love, let him help."

"But, Mother…" When she sees the look in my eyes, she nods slowly and lets go of some of the rigid hold she has on me. "All right, Mama, for you."

The loss of her magic is a clear void, but then I feel the visceral pull of Rumpel's magic, a sense of familiarity and calm settling over me. This is magic that helped shape me as a magic user, helped me to ultimately put power before love. A cry rips from my lips as the damage to my body is reversed and healed, but I lose consciousness before I can guarantee he's finished.

~*~*~

_"This is unacceptable," I growl at Henry, hands clenching into fists at my sides as the servants strip the bloody bedding. "How do you expect to ascend to the throne if you can't even get your own wife pregnant?"_

_"It has only been two months since our wedding, Cora," he says in that soft, unassuming tone that I've grown to hate already. I should've chosen Rumpel; he could have made me a queen in my own right. "Besides, I am fifth in line for the crown. The likelihood of ruling this kingdom is about the same as becoming the Dark One."_

_"Don't I know it," I mutter, then clear my throat as the servants leave the bedchambers. "Things happen to people, Henry. You never know when your chances of becoming a king could be greater."_

_"That's-- That's a horrifying thought, Cora!"_

_"None of your brothers' wives have produced a child able to live past the first year, and your sister has yet to produce a single child yet. She should be married off and out of contention to inherit the kingdom, but she isn't. If you give me a child, your father will be more inclined to guarantee the throne continues through your part of the lineage rather than any of theirs. It's unorthodox, but if they remain childless, the title will eventually pass on to you and to our child anyway."_

_"But--"_

_I turn to stare at him, effectively cutting off whatever excuse he tries to tell me. He lets out a heavy sigh, then straightens his spine and smiles as he gestures to the newly made bed. Is Xavier really the only one with brains in this entire royal family?_

_"You expect to beget a child on me when I am having my moon time? Really, Henry, I have to wonder how you have managed to live long enough to marry?"_

~*~*~

Sitting upright, I let out a soft cry as I wake up. It takes a moment to realize I'm no longer on the floor of Rumpel's backroom, nor does my chest ache any longer. My heart is still intact, pumping faster than I'm comfortable with, but it's understandable at the moment.

"Mama? Are you all right?"

She sounds exhausted and broken. I should know exactly how that sounds, given the number of occasions I pushed her to that limit. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, and I have no idea how to repair the damage done to my daughter. Either of them.

"I'll be fine, my love."

Looking around the room, I can see that we're back in her house now. In fact, this is her bedroom. I remember this room. She's curled up on the chaise before a fireplace of dully glowing coals. She looks uncomfortable and exhausted as she swings her legs over the side to sit up fully.

"Are you sure? Can I get you anything?"

I pat the mattress next to me. "Come here, my love."

Regina gets up, just slightly unsteady on her feet, and I have to wonder just how much energy she expended trying to heal my wound before Rumpel took over. She needs proper sleep to recover. Anything less than fully able to defend herself is unacceptable. Regina kicks off her shoes and crawls up onto the bed to sit next to me, but holds herself stiffly separate. Her eyes are puffy and red from an obvious lack of sleep, and the tear tracks on her cheeks attest to even more damage. 

Settling a hand on her shoulder, I smile when she finally meets my gaze. "How long was I unconscious?"

She glances at the alarm clock, but I can see she's using the move to hide a yawn from me. "About six hours. Do you need anything?"

Cupping her chin to turn her face back toward mine, I can clearly see the fatigue and worry in her eyes. "What I need is for you to take care of yourself better, Regina. You're clearly in need of sleep and some healing yourself."

She shakes her head. "No, I'm okay. Rumpel said you'd need to rest for a couple of days to completely heal from his extraction of the dreamshade in your wound. He said I'd need to keep an eye on you, so that's what I'm going to do."

"At the risk of your own health? No, my love, I don't think so." I shift my grip to lightly tug her head down to my shoulder. "Rest now, Regina. I'm not going anywhere."

She tries to protest, but I can feel her relaxing the second her cheek settles against me. With careful practice, I lie back down and keep her close. A brief flicker of magic, that exhausts me more than it should, brings the covers back up over us.

"No magic, Mama," she murmurs, nuzzling into the side of my neck. "Rumpel said no magic until after you've fully rested."

"Hush, my love."

It doesn't take long for Regina to fall asleep, resting heavily against my side with one arm across my stomach. Her breath wafts across my skin with slow, warm regularity that is reassuring and familiar. Morpheus recalls me to slumber with little fight.

~*~*~

_"Just bear down again, Princess Cora," the midwife says, and I want to kick her in the face. "Tomorrow you will be able to tell King Xavier that he has a healthy grandson."_

_That knowledge spurs me on through this brutal pain. Even going through this once before with my first child hasn't prepared me for the pain of this pregnancy. I have been sick from the day I knew I was pregnant. This must be a boy because I didn't feel like this with the girl child. When Xavier sees my healthy, thriving son, he'll guarantee to think higher of Henry and me. We will give him a grandson who will grow up to be a king one day. I even picked out his name already. Alaric, for he will one day be a king._

_The pain subsides briefly, punctuated by a loud, shrill wail. My son has good lungs; that's a positive sign. The other babes born to Henry's brothers mewled pitifully. It was a clear indication that they wouldn't survive. Clearly those pampered princesses they married have bad bloodlines, weak lineages. My son will prove that those of us with peasant stock are a hardier people than these royal weaklings._

_"My son!" I say, feeling the next round of pains coming on to release the afterbirth. "Let me see my son."_

_As if not hearing me at all, the midwife says, "Congratulations, Princess Cora! You have a beautiful, healthy little girl."_

_My world halts with that single word. I have a daughter. Not a son to be a king. A daughter. A girl child to be used as so much chattel in the negotiation of peace and war. Another girl to prove that I must work even harder to get what I am owed._

_"Do you wish to hold her, Your Highness?"_

_Do I wish to hold her? Glancing over at the bloody, messy babe, I am drawn to serenely dark eyes. Before I can answer, pain grips my womb again, and my attention is drawn away from the child that I didn't ask for._

~*~*~

This time, I wake up from being jostled by Regina, who is thrashing in her sleep and murmuring, "I'm sorry, Mama. I'll do better." The fear in her voice eats at me, and I stroke my hand down her hair. My touch seems to sooth her almost instantly, as the worst of her trembling stills. She nuzzles in closer again, lips brushing against my neck in her sleep, and then her hand curls protectively over my heart. "Love you, Mama," is murmured on a sigh as she relaxes deeper into slumber again.

So many memories of her curled up next to me like this compete for dominance in my mind. All those nights when she couldn't sleep, when I treasured her as Xavier's only living grandchild, spoiling her and indulging her whims alongside her father and grandfather. The only way she could truly rest was with her face pressed against my neck and her tiny heart beating directly above mine. Even without a heart, I cherished those moments, not knowing how soon it would all change. I should've heeded Rumpel's warnings about her and about Xavier's treacheries. I should've done a lot of things differently back then, but I was intent on my goals for my daughter and myself. We would bear the crown of the kingdom, no matter what it took.

Regina shifts slightly, gripping my shirt just as she did as a small and frightened child. It brings out a maternal sensation that has been blunted since before she was born. "Shh, my love, it's all right. Just go back to sleep. You're safe now. I'm not going anywhere."

It takes a moment or two of reassurances for her to finally settle completely, but it's enough for me to feel the need to join her in sleep again.

~*~*~

_"The little princes are doing well."_

_The servants stop what they're discussing as I step into my solar. "What was that you were saying?" I ask as I take a seat at my spinning wheel, looking over the straw brought in especially for me to give Xavier and the kingdom more gold._

_"We were discussing the news of Prince Javier's newest children, Your Highness. Princess Arianna gave birth to twin sons this morning. They appear to be thriving in ways that none of their previous children ever did. The midwife and the court physician feel very strongly that these new princes will break the curse of the ailing babes, just as Princess Regina did."_

_The thought of twin boys surviving pregnancy, birth, and the first two years of life rankles under my skin. These princes are jeopardizing my daughter's claim and ascent to the throne. The blood thunders in my ears, drowning out all else as I begin to contemplate my future, my daughter's future, if they do in fact survive. My fingers ache with the desire to snap their little necks, and I can almost hear the squeaks they'll utter as they die. Perhaps a drop of poison dropped on the tongues peeking out of their little rosebud mouths as they sleep, followed by watching their faces turn blue as they suffocate to death._

_"…the king has assigned some of his best personal guards to watch over Princess Arianna and the wee princes."_

_Hearing the servant's words, my rage grows even stronger. Xavier knows what this will mean to me and my daughter. He is going to stop me from ensuring her place in the line of succession._

_"Get out," I growl, trying to rein in my anger around the help. I am already known to have a temper when things aren't the way I want them._

_"Your Highness?"_

_"I said get out!"_

_I don't bother to hide my anger this time, and the two girls scramble to get out of the solar as quickly as possible. I need time alone to process this. There will be gold spun tonight like Xavier has never seen in the five years I have been a part of this court. I will shower him in enough gold to force the breath from his lungs under the weight of it. I will spin enough gold to wrap around the throats of every single person stopping my daughter from taking what is rightfully hers, from each of Henry's older brothers; to their two-faced wives; to that sister who should be in a convent but isn't, so that she can keep Henry and Regina even further from the throne; to each of those tiny, squalling princes who spit in the face of my beautiful daughter. They will all die, they will all suffer my wrath, they will all be warnings to Xavier to never cross me again._

_The rage burns in my veins, my magic flaring out of control. The straw bales burst into flames, the draperies and expensive rugs following suit. The glass in the doors leading out to my balcony shatter into tiny pieces, the shards closest to the fire melting into the stone floor. Bottles of wine and spirits explode, adding to the flames burning out of control around me._

_And then, as the spinning wheel bursts into splinters that fly in a maelstrom around me, I hear something that turns the boiling blood in my veins to ice._

_"Mama?" Regina calls, toddling into the room with the bright smile of a happy, healthy four-year-old who could want for nothing. "Mama play tea?"_

_But the furious storm borne of my wrath cannot be tamed in time to stop the deadly sharp spindle from ripping into my sweet girl's face. Her terrified scream breaks through the magic I've whipped up, quenching the fires and letting the debris clatter to the floor in chaotic heaps. But all I can see is my daughter in pain, blood and tears pouring down her face, hear her screams of painful terror. And then Henry and Xavier come in and see the destruction in the room, the wound on Regina's face, and the bloody spindle at her feet. When their eyes finally rise to take me in, a myriad of emotions flit across their faces, but I know revulsion and disgust when I see it. They will blame me for what has happened, and rightly so._

_I have irreparably harmed my child._

_Henry grabs Regina into his arms and races out of the room. I try to follow them, wanting to help with calming and healing my daughter, but Xavier stops me. "I don't know what your intentions were here, Cora, but I can assure you that you have just destroyed your chances of the kingdom falling into your husband's and daughter's hands."_

_"It was no machination of mine to harm my only child, Xavier!"_

_"That is hard to believe. Peasant scum is never worthy of a crown, no matter how they scheme their way into the royal court. You will pay for this, miller's daughter. You can mark my words on that."_

~*~*~

Jerking awake, it takes a moment or two to calm my fiercely pounding heart. Thankfully, Regina is still peacefully sleeping at my side. And then my eyes fall to the deep scar above her lip. The fresh anguish and anger of my sleep-induced flashback is strong enough that tears spill down my cheeks as I am stuck reliving the horror of marring my beautiful daughter's face. A trembling finger traces the scar, as I repeatedly murmur, "I'm sorry, my love. I'm so sorry."

Perhaps being brought back to life by True Love's Kiss with my heart in my chest wasn't the best idea in all of the lands. Can I fix what I've done to my daughter or is it truly too late?


End file.
